DELAY INDICTED, AGAIN!
Wednesday, October 5, 2005, 11:23 AM - Jay O-Three

C'mon! Corruption never stopped a Banana Republican before

WASHINGTON, DC - A Texas grand jury has indicted exterminator Tom Delay on a second criminal count today, MONEY LAUNDERING! Although Delay claims it is all political, we can do naught but celebrate. Violating the spirit of his removal as House Majority Leader, Delay has promised to lurk in the wings and pull strings from the shadows. Just like an insect.

HARRIET THE CRONY?
Wednesday, October 5, 2005, 12:03 PM - Jay O-Three

Look, it's not like a FEMA appointment or somethin', this crony's goin' to another branch of gov'ment... Fer life!

WASHINGTON, DC - After spending months screaming from the hilltops how important John Robert's towering intellect, elitist background, vast Supreme Court experience and all-round better-student-than-you-ness were to his appointment to the Supreme Court, President MORON, today, pulled another DICK move -- where a crony selects itself -- by nominating his own personal attorney, Harriet Miers, to that very same court. With no judicial experience whatsoever, her stint as Texas Lottery Commissioner has propelled this unmarried, childless, sixty year-old, born-again evangelical convert to the head of the class. President MORON offered her the job over dinner Sunday night (glad we missed that one!). In a press conference, Tuesday, after promising that her one and only task would be the overturning of Roe v. Wade, President MORON asserted that she is the MOST QUALIFIED CANDIDATE IN THE COUNTRY. Apparently, having a vagina was the only qualification he considered. He said, "Look, girls can't compete on merit, you jes' have to find one in yer inner circle, and throw her out there, no questions asked!"

ALEXANDER HAMIL-WHO?
Friday, October 7, 2005, 12:24 PM - HSRE Brain

Pit Bull tells President MORON not to worry about a PDB on Osama Bin Laden at Club Crawford on August 9, 2001

WARSHINGTON, DC - This just in -- two hundred seventeen years ago!

The Federalist No. 76
The Appointing Power of the Executive
New York Packet
Tuesday, April 1, 1788
by Alexander Hamilton [excerpt]

"To what purpose then require the co-operation of the Senate? I answer, that the necessity of their concurrence would have a powerful, though, in general, a silent operation. It would be an excellent check upon a spirit of favoritism in the President, and would tend greatly to prevent the appointment of unfit characters from State prejudice, from family connection, from personal attachment..."

"[The President] would be both ashamed and afraid to bring forward, for the most distinguished or lucrative stations, candidates who had no other merit than that of coming from the same State to which he particularly belonged, or of being in some way or other personally allied to him, or of possessing the necessary insignificance and pliancy to render them the obsequious instruments of his pleasure."

A CONFLUENCE OF ENEMIES, REAL AND OTHERWISE
Friday, October 7, 2005, 11:29 PM - Jay O-Three

Failure of imagination? I still imagine I'm not a lame duck!

WASHINGTON, DC - On the day after President MORON gave a "significant speech" on the status of his never-ending War on Terra', more cracks are appearing in The MORONARCHY's historically impregnable bulwark. Long time thorn in President MORON's side, Mohamed El Baradei (who had the gall to tell the truth about the non-existence of Iraq's "nukular" program), just won the Nobel Peace Prize -- too bad they don't give out a War Prize so the DICK could have one too. The Banana Republicans themselves are chafing at President MORON's nomination of one of his "work wives," a knee-jerk ideologue and intellectual featherweight, to the Supreme Court. Karl Rove is going before the Valerie Plame grand jury for a fourth appearance (let's go over your story one more time). And, sixty-eight percent of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. Although these issues might in and of themselves be cause for real concern, The MORONARCHY has instead chosen to focus on imaginary foes. Today, RUMMY released what he said was a LETTER(!) from the finance department at Al Qaeda, a letter -- stating that Al Qaeda was filing for bankruptcy protection -- so clearly fabricated that nobody in the Pentagon could even read it with a straight face. President MORON may not be able to win a war in Iraq, but he has somehow foiled ten (count 'em, ten!) terra'ist plots in his fantasy-football-camp war against "evildoers." While, he makes the hilarious assertion that he has captured or killed most of the people involved in the nine-one-one hijackings (didn't they do that themselves?), "most" does not include Mullah Omar, Ayman al Zawahiri or Osama bin Laden. Chicken Little couldn't have orchestrated the unnecessary evacuations of the Rolling Stones concert in Virginia, the Washington Monument in DC or the New York City subway station any more frenetically than The MORONARCHY did. He was incapable of mobilizing the National Guard to help hurricane victims, yet President MORON has promised a shoot-to-kill quarantine policy for anyone who dares contract the Avian Flu. Paul "The Rat" Wolfowitz said he could not imagine Iraqi reconstruction costing more than one point seven billion dollars (only off by two orders of magnitude), former oil tanker, Convoluted Lies, said she couldn't imagine anyone hijacking an airliner, and President MORON said he couldn't imagine that a levee would break, yet all of them are capable of imagining that windmills are giants. The MORONARCHY wastes so much time and energy battling chimeras that it is literally paralyzed in the face of real crises. But there isn't a boogey-man alive that they can't lick!

PERP WALK?
Wednesday, October 19, 2005, 04:35 PM - Jay O-Three

Well, my mug shot can't be any worse than this...

WASHINGTON, DC - A Texas state court issued an ARREST WARRANT for Tom Delay today! We are just waiting for that perp walk! At the very least, there will be a fingerprinting and a mug shot. Banana Republicans had better get used to this sort of thing, Bill "Remote Diagnosis" Frist, Karl "President MORON's Brain" Rove, "Scooter" "My name IS a nickname" Libbey and THE DICK are all likely to face the same fate. Champagne anyone?

JUSTICE DELAYED
Sunday, October 23, 2005, 11:27 PM - Jay O-Three

I haven't looked this good since I stopped using malathion

AUSTIN, TX - Although DALE did show up for this shit-eating-grin mugshot, he was able to "delay" his arraignment by allowing his attorney, Dick DeGuerin (who was also David Koresh's attorney) to assert that the judge, Bob Perkins, was unfit because he had given money to MoveOn.org, and Perkins bought it! He agreed to defer the proceedings until another judge could hear the motion to appoint someone else. DeGuerin went on to lie about MoveOn.org, saying that they sell T-shirts with DeLay's mug shot on them. They don't. Prosecutor Ronnie Earle explained later that DeLay was not accused of being a Banana Republican -- reprehensible though that may be -- but a criminal money-launderer. Apparently, DeLay was confused because in Texas, this is a distinction without a difference.

BANANA REPUBLICAN CIRCLE-JERK
Monday, October 24, 2005, 01:15 AM - Jay O-Three

If they have any questionnaires as hard as that Senate one, I hope they have do-overs!

WASHINGTON, DC - While self-righteous Banana Republicans fall all over themselves huffing and puffing about Harriet the Crony's lack of gravitas, she has personally assured President MORON -- according to her, the smartest president ever -- that she -- according to him, the MOST QUALIFIED PERSON for the job -- will be the "best-est justice-est ever-est!" The absurd spectacle of these so-called intellectuals intimating that they might actually break ranks with The MORONARCHY is obviously a meticulously contrived smokescreen. Not one of them has had the temerity to question even a single undertaking of President MORON -- the second coming of their beloved Ronnie "Brain-Dead" Ray-Gun. While The MORONARCHY has lied, cheated, stolen, tortured, and killed, Banana Republicans have marched in lock-step. Why would they change now? Unfortunately, their bluster makes it impossible to address the real problem with intellectual featherweight Miers: a fundamental lack of any understanding whatsoever of the role of the Supreme Court. Being born, born-again or born any other number of times is not the same as being a constitutional scholar; no amount of evangelical Christianity can stand in for a functioning brain. No number of President MORON's signature m&m's can be used as a basis for formulating opinions on: the separation of powers, the extent of congressional reach, judicial precedent, states' rights, or the protection of enumerated and unenumerated rights. No amount of sucking up to President MORON will allow Harriet to pretend her intent to overturn Roe v. Wade is anything other than "legislating from the bench." But, though they will never admit it, this is exactly what Banana Republicans really want. Hence, the circle.

TWO THOUSAND IS TOO MANY
Wednesday, October 26, 2005, 10:34 AM - Jay O-Three

A very high price for a war of choice

WASHINGTON, DC - As President MORON's illegal, immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq continues, the toll, in lives of American soldiers, has now reached two thousand. While President MORON continues to recycle cold war and nine-one-one rhetoric (the only form of recycling he endorses), the facts on the ground do not bode well for our brave soldiers. At every turn, President MORON has promised that the next milestone would make everything better. He promised that we would find weapons of mass deception immediately upon invasion, economic payback through the sale of captured oil, candy and flowers after we "liberated" Baghdad, an instantaneous nationwide conversion after dismissing the entire Iraqi army (along with their weapons), a mission accomplished after "major combat operations" had ceased, an easy road after the "transfer of sovereignty," a new and peaceful nation after the "election," and complete peace and security after the "adoption" of a constitution. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and... wrong! Yet, our armed forces slog on, attempting to obey conflicting if not downright impossible orders, and they are, very sadly, paying the ultimate price for President MORON's hubris. Two thousand is too many.

HYPOCRISY BANANA STYLE
Wednesday, October 26, 2005, 04:43 PM - HSRE Brain

KBH would make fine nomination to the SCOTUS when Harriet slinks away....

WARSHINGTON, DC - Echoing the latest Banana Republican strategy of desperation, the disHonorable Senator from Texas, Kay Bailey Hutchison, told Tim Russert of Meet the Press on Sunday that she didn’t think perjury was a crime that should lead to indictments of upstanding Banana Republicans like Rover and Scooter. Well, this non-crime happens to carry a prison term of up to five years, which inspires the question, "What sort of penalty would a real crime carry?"

“I certainly hope that if there is going to be an indictment that says something happened, that it is an indictment on a crime and not some perjury technicality where they couldn’t indict on the crime so they go to something just to show that their two years of investigation were not a waste of time and dollars.” - Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (BananaR-TX) Meet the Press 10/16/05

How soon they forgit. Here’s an excerpt from ol' KB at the impeachment hearing of President Clinton a few years ago:

“The edifice of American jurisprudence rests on the foundation of the due process of law. The mortar in that foundation is the oath. Those who seek to obstruct justice weaken that foundation, and those who violate the oath would tear the whole structure down.

Every day, thousands of citizens in thousands of courtrooms across America are sworn in as jurors, as grand jurors, as witnesses, as defendants. On those oaths rest the due process of law upon which all of our other rights are based.

The oath is how we defend ourselves against those who would subvert our system by breaking our laws. There are Americans in jail today because they violated that oath. Others have prevailed at the bar of justice because of that oath.

What would we be telling Americans -- and those worldwide who see in America what they can only hope for in their own countries -- if the Senate of the United States were to conclude: The President lied under oath as an element of a scheme to obstruct the due process of law, but we chose to look the other way?

I cannot make that choice. I cannot look away. I vote "Guilty" on Article I, Perjury. I vote "Guilty" on Article II, Obstruction of Justice.” - Sen. KBH statement on the articles of impeachment 2/12/99

HARRIET ABORTED
Thursday, October 27, 2005, 09:04 AM - Jay O-Three

Do you think they'll let me keep the robe?

WASHINGTON, DC - Surprising absolutely nobody and humiliating The MORONARCHY to an extent they haven't seen since yesterday -- when the two thousandth soldier was killed -- the best qualified person in the entire country, Harriet Miers, withdrew her nomination for the Supreme Court today. The selection process President MORON used to select her was exactly the same one Bill Clinton used to select Monica Lewinski namely, look out the door of the Oval Office and pick the first person wearing thong underwear (of course, Harriet's were a bit more "conservative"). Now, unfortunately for the country, we will be forced to accept a nominee who, regardless of his or her background, will NOT be the most qualified person in the entire country. Miers, and umarried childless MORONARCHY "work wife," explained that she wants to spend more time with her imaginary family