I do this... then I beat my war drum
STATE OF THE UNION
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 1/28/03 As was the case last year, we were able to get an advance copy of President MORON's State of the Union Address!

Here it is:

Mr. President Pro Tempore of the Senate, Banana Republican Senators, Banana Republican Congressmen, Colluders in the Supreme Court, and all others involved in this grand betrayal of the nation, the state of the union is strong! When I say union, I don't mean the country, I mean the unholy union of the ultra-rich, religious conservative extremists, gun nuts, racists and of course war mongers! An' what I mean by the union bein' strong is that we now have control of everything!

Tonight, I am goin' to address the 'conomy, some health care stuff, and of course my favorite, a brand new war!

But first, I feel we should look back at some of our accomplishments of the past year.

We drove the economy into a tailspin, an' since I took office, we have eliminated over two million jobs! We were able to steal another election, an' this time, we didn't even have to go to the Supreme Court. We kept up the pretense of searchin' for Usama bin Laden, so we were able to keep that war goin' an' any time someone questioned it, we called 'em a terra'ist. We have almost completely eliminated The Constitution, doin' away with due process, equal protection, and the presumption of innocence. Now, if ASSCROFT says you're guilty, you are goin' to rot in jail for a good long time! We have been able to completely hamstring the EPA so that corporate pollution is now a right, rather than a privilege. We got that Fatherland Security thing goin' an' now when terra'ists strike, we will have an entirely new bureaucracy to blame! We got away with a deficit budget proposal, because "the era of responsible government is over." And of course, we had that Trent Lott thing where he exposed our racist agenda by talkin' without usin' the code words. But all of this is in the past and now I have some important new proposals for you.

While the economy is sinkin' further every day it has become obvious that some millionaires are not gettin' their fair share of American tax dollars. Some of these folks paid a whole lot of money to git me into office so I have to help 'em. And that is why I am proposin' a bold new program to make sure that we leave no millionaire behind. It will be called the Standard Compulsory Reimbursement of the Extremely Wealthy (SCREW). From now on, whenever a tax dollar is paid by an individual, we will skim off the defense portion, and then before any money goes into the Treasury for any program which might benefit middle class or poor people, we will invite the wealthy to jes' take what they want. Whatever is left over will be more than taxpayers deserve anyway. The economics of this plan are very simple. For example, If we gave a tax break to the middle class, they would all jes' spend it on frivolities like food, clothing, shelter or durable goods. Now, that would help some of the wealthy, but the indirect nature of that type of spendin' might leave some of 'em behind. So, instead, they will be able to ignore the state of the 'conomy and jes' enjoy a generous handout from the gov'ment without all that stress over growth or stock prices or fairness.

On the health care issue, all I can say is Americans shouldn't be gettin' sick in the first place. Sick people have caused a huge rift between two groups of very wealthy people, an' they ought to be ashamed of themselves! Doctors should not have to be held accountable for their wrongdoin' any more than oil company executives, defense contractors or drug manufacturers. An' that's not even the half of it! The poor insurance companies are havin' to pay out more an' more money jes' to cover medical expenses! Then, when someone sues for malpractice, they see a direct impact on their bottom line. So, I am proposin' another bold new plan to solve this dilemma right away. This new plan is called the Stonewall Coalition Against Malpractice Suits (SCAMS) and it will completely eliminate the tension between my contributors. Americans will continue to pay their insurance premiums, no matter how much they are. Then, if they git sick, they will pay an extra fee to make sure that the insurors are not required to pay out anythin'. If a patient dies as a result of some medical accident, he will not be able to sue unless he is able to appear in court. This is only fair because otherwise, there might be some accountability, which as everyone must know, costs money!

And finally, the one and only thing I really care about, that Iraq thing. Now we all know Hussein is a bad guy, an' even though he doesn't have any weapons of mass combustion, we never have to let up because you can't prove a negative. Every single day that the inspectors find nothin' is another day we can say the inspections are not workin'. However, time is runnin' out. We can't really be expected to keep a force of two hundred thousand troops over there forever without doin' somethin'. So you know we're goin' in. But we have heard that there might be some plan to retaliate against our unilateral invasion. The rumor is that they may be plannin' to destroy their own oil fields when we attack. Well, my fellow wealthy Americans, we will not let that happen! We believe in the Sanctity of Oil, and if we have to, we will not hesitate to kill every last man, woman and child in Iraq to protect it. So you can rest assured that oil proifts will go on.

You can tell that I have spent the year workin' really hard and now that we have a rubber stamp Congress and a corrupt Supreme Court, we can tie up all the loose ends! So, whatever it is you want, jes' send your requests along with a healthy campaign contribution, an' you can count on me to git it done! God bless the Fatherland, and remember, we will leave no millionaire behind!

MORON AND BLAIR, BLOWING HOT AIR
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 1/31/03 British Prime Minister Tony Blair paid a visit to President MORON here today. As the two colluded to invade a foreign soverign nation, some daylight began to creep in between their postions. While President MORON is dead set on attack at the earliest possible date, Blair actually suggested that another U.N. resolution might be in order. Taking this appeal to reason as a sign of weakness, President MORON threatened to bomb England as well. Fortunately, he was talked out of this position when Blair reminded him that England was the only other country in the world that supported his unprovoked invasion of Iraq. Their talk included a super-secret timetable for the invasion, even though publicly they still deny that they have made up their minds. In the case of Blair this may be possible, but in the case of the petty tyrant on this side of the puddle, there isn't enough mind there to be made up in the first place. Ultimately, the talk degenerated into a completely barbaric plan for the preemptive use of Nuclear, or Nukuler weapons, at which point, both leaders essentially ceded their humanity.


President MORON looks on as Blair tries his hand at a Texas-style White House barbecue
Afterwards, at a joint photo-opportunity President MORON reiterated his trumped up charges against Hussein, expressing outrage at his use of chemical weapons against his enemies and his own people, conveniently omitting the fact that his father had full knowledge of and approved of both attacks. He also forgot to mention that Donald DUCK Rumsfeld had in fact met with Hussein and went out of his way not to mention those atrocities. And surprisingly, he left out the fact that The DICK Cheney's company, Halliburton, had sold oil processing equipment to Iraq even after sanctions were in place. He then went on to remind us that as in post-Constitutional America, the burden of proof is on the accused in Iraq, and that just because it is impossible to prove a negative that doesn't let Hussein off the hook. He added that although the United States has more nuclear weapons than every other nation on Earth combined, and although the United States has chemical and biological weapons, and although there are more than two hundred thousand United States troops poised and ready to invade a foreign country, it is Hussein, not President MORON who poses a danger to the world. And, finally he explained that starting a war and killing an estimated five hundred thousand innocent people is the only road to peace. At this point the distortion of reality became so extreme that the joint appearance was interrupted by a flock of flying pigs.

Run, don't walk, away from a Department gone insane!
ORANGE!
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 2/7/03 President MORON has raised the terrorism "threat level" to ORANGE today because of "specific and credible threats" which the MORONARCHY will not share with the public. Citizens are advised to hide under the covers and wait for the boogey man or boogey men to go away.

This change in threat level follows along perfectly with other self contradictory actions President MORON has taken so far. He promised to stimulate the economy, yet we have lost two million jobs, we have entered a recession and the stock market has plummeted. He said he was interested in peace, yet he is starting another war.
Hmmm, It's time to start scaring the public again...
He said he was against lawsuits, yet he ascended to the Presidency through a lawsuit. He said he was concerned about the environment, yet he gutted the EPA and has done everything in his power to destroy the environment. He said he would uphold The Constitution, yet he has suspended the Bill or Rights, except of course for the Second Amendment, which he considers a Commandment. He said he would smoke out Usama bin Laden and git him, yet bin Laden has not been "git." He said he was against unfunded gov'mint mandates, yet he has provided no funding for cities and states forced to implement new anti-terrorism mandates. He said he was against excessive gov'mint spendin' yet he has submitted a budget proposal with the largest deficit in history. And, in this case, he promised that re-shuffling one hundred ninety thousand government jobs and stripping the workers of their protection would make the country safer from terrorist threats, yet by his own admission, this measure has failed, and the nation is less safe. He also said he would restore honor and dignity to the White House and then created the MORONARCHY. Threat level ORANGE indeed!

COLON POWELL LAYS IT ON WITH A TROWEL
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 2/6/03 A day after his dog and pony show at the United Nations, spineless Secretary of State COLON Powell appeared on the Hill here today before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. He was summoned to answer for this laundry list of assertions he made yesterday:


Senators, either you let us start this war, or I will personally pound each and every last one of you!
He showed some satellite photos with red squares drawn on them and said these were secret rolling chemical warfare trucks and boxcars.
He played a recording purported to be an Iraqi telephone call wherein he asserted that the words "modified vehicle" and "nerve agent" were used.
He reiterated the disputed claim that Hussein gassed the Kurds in Halabja. He did not bother to explain how the cause of death in that case was attributed to weapons Iraq did not possess.
He reminded the U.N. Security Council that Iraq had bought aluminum tubes, and that even though they had already been working with more advanced materials before the last Bush/Hussein matchup, they would spend huge amounts of resources to convert rocket parts into a 40's style uranium enrichment centrifuge, to enrich uranium they don't have.
He threw the Hail Mary pass, the ever-hoped-for connection between Iraq and Al Quaeda. He asserted that Al Quaeda agents are active in northern Iraq, an area subject to constant overflight by U.S. warplanes, and not under Hussein's control, but that somehow the two MORONARCHY enemies were magically communicating and trading chemical, biological and nuclear weapons.
He then went on to claim that the MORONARCHY drafted U.N. resolution 1441 to keep peace. However, he neglected to mention that that was never the intent of the MORONARCHY, which still maintains that 'weapons inspections don't work'. He also omitted the fact that the MORONARCHY has been bombing Iraq daily since last fall, and that in complete violation of U.N. resolution 1441, there are U.S. troops on the ground in Iraq.
He asserted that these specious claims now constitute irrefutable proof of Saddam's evil-ness.
He went on to explain to the U.N. that if they disagreed with President MORON, they would be deemed irrelevant, just like the majority of voters in the U.S. who were deemed irrelevant by the Supreme Court.

Hey, Iraqi oil worker, how many weeks until you're under new management?
This so called evidence actually proves that the MORONARCHY is capable of photographing every square inch of Iraq, and intercepting every single telephone call in Iraq, but even with all of this capability, they were not able to produce a single piece of physical evidence, not one bomb, not one warhead, not one magical rolling chemical warfare laboratory. COLON was also unable to explain how murdering hundreds of thousands of innocent women, children and elderly people in Iraq was going to correct any of these problems.

When questioned on all of this by the Senate, COLON said that the Senate had no right to dispute any statement made by the MORONARCHY, and that since they had convened these hearings, they were now colluding with the enemy. He then stated that there were clearly enemy combatants among the Senators, and that "we" know who they are, and that they should watch their backs.

NEWS -


There's a sayin' in Texas - We can't see the forest or the trees
ENDANGERED SPECIES ACT TO BE ADDED TO ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST
By HSRE Brain and SCOOP JS

WARSHINGTON, DC - 2/7/03 In a move that would make Charleton Heston proud, the latest assault on the environment by President MORON is a clean shot at California, aimed point blank at the Endangered Species Act. Passed shortly before the Gang of Five coup, and generally hailed as the most environmentally progressive policy ever implemented for national forest lands, the Sierra Nevada Framework Plan is caught in the cross-hairs of the MORONARCHY and destined to a similar demise as clean air and clean water. The SNFP was enacted in the spirit of preserving the tiny remaining percentage of pristine natural resources for our children, and possibly even their children, from gov'ment championed exploitation of timber, mining and drilling special interests. It currently guaranties that 50% of the forest canopy will be preserved from logging and protects all trees bigger than 20 inches in diameter, while designating special zones for endangered species including that anathematoallthatisBUSH, the California spotted owl.


One man's endangered species, another MORON's enemy combatant
Unfortunately, a draft of President MORON's proposed Sierra Nevada Forest Protection Campaign was leaked to - gasp - THE PUBLIC this week, and surprise, the blueprint is bowed to the very timber interests that the SNFP was designed to protect against. The new proposal, based on President MORON's knee-jerk Healthy Earth Initiative and Legislation [HEIL] reaction to last August's western forest fires, calls for ignoring eight years of federal and local consensus for fuel reduction and reducing fire hazard by opening up the entire 11.5 million acres of national forestland in California to clear-cut logging, or as the MORONARCHY calls it, the mechanical exploitation of timber harvesting (METH). Coincidentally, METH also does away with annoying endangered species zones and allows for the logging of trees up to 30 inches in diameter, resulting in an additional 17,000 acres of treeless wilderness solely for more timber. It also permits annual timber harvest increases from the 105 -180 million board feet codified by the original framework to a whopping 750 million board feet. President MORON, caught by surprise that his subsidy for lumber and general screwing of California had been leaked to the press, defended the sure to be rubber stamped scheme by asserting "I gave it a good, hard look and we consider an old growth tree to be 50 to 60 inches high, so 30 inches is a generous compromise. But I do have a mandate from the Amerkin people to chop the really big trees in the name of the war on terra', and, of course, there are nec'sary 'ceptions for trees in the way of our roads for minin' and oil drillin' ... and my fri'nds in the Pacific lumber industry assure me that there no owls with spots left anyway."

What'd you expect?
ONLY A MORON
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 2/21/03 Only a MORON would take an oath of office swearing to defend The Constitution and then suspend that same Constution and set up a police state, stating that civil rights are only invoked by terrorists. Only a MORON would think that raiding the treasury for the benefit of a very select few wealthy friends would stimulate the economy. Only a MORON would claim the economy is in great shape when two million jobs have been lost, the stock market is plumetting and inflation is on the rise. Only a MORON would demean congress for attempting to fund humanitarian programs in this country while at the same time proposing a budget, with the largest deficit in history, which includes over one billion dollars a day for guns and ammo. Only a MORON would attempt to put a stamp of legitimacy on his war of conquest by addressing a convention of televangelists in Nashville because only a MORON would consider those charlatans to be moral leaders in the first place. Only a MORON would dismiss the fact that Iraq is allowing U2 spy plane flyovers and is complying with the UN inspection process. Only a MORON would discount without examination the several thousand pages of new documentation, provided by Iraq, on the destruction of banned weapons. Only a MORON would dismiss Russian President Vladimir Putin who joined with French President Jaques Chirac to renounce a rush to war, and to insist on further inspection efforts. Only a MORON would say the Germans are just too peace-loving. Only a MORON would abandon the strongest military alliance of the last century, NATO, on a whim. Only a MORON would use a UN resolution as his excuse for war while at the same time warning that any dissent would render the UN irrelevant. Only a MORON would ignore the millions of demonstrators around the world who don't think that making a colony of someone else's country is acceptable behavior for a so-called superpower. And, only a MORON would claim that invading a foreign soverign nation and starting a war is the road to peace. Well, not only a MORON, but President MORON.

NEWS -


Hey, 'W'raqi soldiers, how many have heard the one about President MORON and the Supreme Court?
FROM REGIME CHANGE TO NAME CHANGE, IT'S ALL GOOD!
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 2/22/03 Even though officials continue to daily promote the lie that President MORON has not decided whether he is going to war for oil, the MORONARCHY nonetheless revealed it's post-victory plans in Iraq on Thursday. Following the swift and utter defeat of Saddam Hussein and his evil minions, the MORONARCHY announced that it plans to take complete and unilateral control of Iraq. First, Gen. Tommy Franks, the head of the U.S. Central Command, will maintain military control as long as U.S. troops are fighting the never-ending war on terror in the Middle East. Then, after control has been established and weapons of mass fabrication have been claimed destroyed, an interim administration headed by a member of the MORONARCHY will begin Reconstruction by creating a representative proxy government composed entirely of petroleum company executives and carpetbaggers. Other plans include the Pentagon coordinating the repair of oil fields and drilling new ones, and changing the name of the new colony to 'W'raq. President MORON defended the long term plan, adding "It should only take 'bout five ta six years, with substantial military power and, of course, my re'lection, to establish and exploit the peace in Iraq."